What’s Wrong with Me? Cure Your Imposter Syndrome and Self Criticism
Lately, a number of conversations with friends and family seem to revolve around doubting themselves, feeling inadequate or feeling that they will be caught out as incapable for what they do for a living. This is commonly known as “Imposter Syndrome.”
We all experience moments of low self-esteem and not being worthy, and this can make us feel we are an imposter, having to “Fake it until we make it.” I take self-doubt as a sign that as a human being we always have something more to learn, each and every one of us. Nobody is exempt. It can take a lifetime to master an area, but even the most ‘successful’ people we look up to have faults of their own that they must manage.
If you want to override feelings of self-doubt, you must realise that persistence and effort is more important than knowing something inside and out. If someone is overtly confident and makes us feel small, it is usually a confidence trick and often just pure arrogance on their part; it is not because they are better than us.
Do not paralyse your actions by believing that you are not good enough. Sure, you might need practice and experience at something, but the only way to get that is to have a go and practice at every opportunity. You are not being an imposter, you are educating yourself on the myriad of approaches that work and do not work as you continue to refine and improve. If one person can do something, pretty much anyone can do the same or get close to the same if they are willing to make the effort, learn from their mistakes, and persist. Most importantly, you need to maintain a positive frame of mind.
When you make mistakes and then feel something is wrong with you, be resilient and ease up on being self-critical. It is your behaviours, beliefs and actions that need adjusting, it is not you personally. Your self-belief needs a tweak. In future, choose to encourage yourself, not berate yourself. It is a choice you can make in your self-talk.
If you are saying anything along the lines of:
“I’m not good enough!”
“It’s too much/hard/difficult!”
“I’m terrible at this!”
“I give up!”
Your self-talk is your choice, and you need to choose better:
“I can do this!”
“I’m going to make the effort and I will get better with time and practice!”
“Let’s try again!” or “Just one more go for now!”
“What positive thing can I learn from this mistake?”
You are your own best friend, so treat yourself as such
Show the same compassion to yourself that you would for a dear friend or family member. When you catch your inner talk putting yourself down say “Stop.” Ask, “What can I do right now to improve this for the better?”
Every moment of the day when you are feeling bad ask, “What am I saying to myself right now?”
Know that all bad feelings pass and that you have a choice to feel more positive about yourself right now in this moment. You have control over what you feel and what you do.
Better Ways to Positivity
Here are some ways to get back your internal strength:
Start by being grateful for what you have. Realise that successful people focus on their strengths and not their weaknesses. Those who fail time-after-time do so because they constantly berate themselves for their weaknesses. I’m sure you will have noticed the many faults of those high up in their professions, does this stop them from what they do and want to be? A business entrepreneur may be great at investing money but have terrible communication skills. An entertainer may have incredible people skills but be poor with their finance. Whatever your faults and weaknesses, focus on the very best of you first, just like achievers do.
When you were a toddler, you had fewer inhibitions. You were more creative and braver in your play and the risks that you took. You were less worried about what others were thinking of you and more focused on what you were trying to do. You focused on what you could control and not on what you couldn’t. As adults we need to reclaim the same attitude. Focus on what you can control, your feelings and your own personal actions; do not focus on what is outside of your control, particularly the actions of others.
When relating to others, look for their positives in others, but do not be personally ruled by, or effected by, the actions of their choosing. You can only choose for yourself and your choice should be positive and constructive for the benefit of your wellbeing.
To shake off the feeling of self-doubt and “Imposter Syndrome,” say to yourself, “I deserve the chance to do my best with what I know and the actions I can take right now.” As humans, none of us are perfect.
Build your esteem by:
Being around people who love and care for you.
Staying healthy and choosing healthy practices for your mind, body and soul. Exercise, eat healthily and meditate or relax. Your health and wellbeing are number 1.
Learning new things that improve your current strengths and weaknesses. Focus on what you enjoy or know will improve you the most.
Asking for help and support from others when you need it. There is no need to let pride get in the way when asking can lessen your stress. There is no harm in reaching out.
Love yourself for who you are and accept things for what they are – but in a positive way only!
If you enjoyed reading this little pep talk, my book “Happy more often” expands on all of these thoughts and practices with 25 exercises that will change your life for the better. Click here for further information.